Difference Between Knowing and Feeling
by MakeItSoWesley
Summary: Arizona is a great doctor and a good mom.


**AN:** **Oh.**

It had only been two weeks since Callie had left for New York and taken their daughter, and Arizona was drowning in regret. She had meant what she said to Callie, that Sofia deserved two happy moms, and had also meant that she wanted Callie to be happy, but Arizona hadn't anticipated the depth of longing and regret she would feel about the decision. She knew she would be sad, would be missing her daughter like crazy, but she didn't realize how bad it would be.

In her effort to fill her time now, time that would normally have been spent with Sofia, she had agreed to tackle extra shifts at the hospital, to fill in for Karev when he was dealing with the trial. She was still an excellent paediatric surgeon and didn't mind helping Alex out. She wouldn't allow her friend's place to filled with someone else so she had taken on the responsibility of keeping the ward running until he got back. Which is how she found herself performing an emergency appendectomy at two in the morning.

The child's appendix had been close to bursting when his parents finally had brought him in, and she was thankful that she hadn't yet left the hospital. The O.R. was unusually quiet, even for 2AM, but Arizona was thankful for that. With her's and Callie's custody battle so fresh in the memory of Grey-Sloan, there were too many rumours floating around, and not all of them good.

Few people knew what had actually been said in the trial, but some of the rumours were spot on. Like Callie slut shaming her. Not that there wasn't truth to what was being said, Arizona was an incredibly sexual being and she loved that about herself, but the things people were saying about her were less than kind. Having grown up gay, and now with the one leg, she was used to people staring and saying mean things behind her back. She had a thick skin, but it was the way that Callie had looked at her as the lawyer had hurled that accusation at Richard that hurt the most. Perhaps it was because of the infidelity, but for the first time in her life, Arizona was ashamed of herself for that aspect. She was, and probably always would be, ashamed of cheating on Callie, but she'd never been ashamed of her sexuality or her desire for physical intimacy.

So the quiet of the O.R. was a welcome relief, a chance to focus solely on work and saving lives, and not have to deal with the way that even though this hospital had gone through numerous changes in her ten years here, the thing that remained the same was the way that people talked. A lot.

"Dr. Robbins, Dr. Grey is in the gallery and trying to get your attention." One of the scrub nurses said. Arizona glanced up and saw Meredith holding a clearly crying Ellis. The toddler was red in the face and clearly crying loudly.

"Please turn on the intercom Cynthia," she asked. When the sound was turned on she could hear the distinct wails of a child in agony.

"Is everything okay Meredith? I'll be done here soon, I can take a look at Ellis when I'm finished." She said, focusing on her patient.

Part of her was still a bit angry with Meredith. She'd known that when she and Callie had got divorced that she would lose some of her friends. She had been the new comer and Callie the established friend when they got together, and suddenly Callie's friends were her friends. She wasn't surprised about that. But after everything that Arizona had done for Meredith after she'd been attacked, Arizona had thought that Meredith might recuse herself from testifying at the custody trial. She was shocked and hurt, but this was obviously not about them.

"Yeah, I mean not really, she's been crying for about two hours straight now. She's got a fever and she's dehydrated. Her abdomen is fine, she's just a bit sick." Meredith said, Ellis' wails still filling the O.R.

"I'll be done here in about ten minutes. Why don't you take her up to my office and get her started with a banana bag, and I'll be there soon." She loved Meredith's kids, and wanted them to be healthy and safe and know that they were loved by her. She could still be angry at Meredith and help the baby.

"Can you sing for her Arizona?" The scrub nurses and the resident who were assisting her all looked at her strangely. She could hear the trepidation in Meredith's voice, hear her hesitate to ask.

And so Arizona began to sing. It was the same song she'd sung to Ellis when she had moved in with Alex for three months to help care for the kids during Meredith's hospital stay. She'd sung it so many times now that she was sure that she could sing it in her sleep.

Almost instantly Ellis' cries began to subside as she snuggled herself closer into Meredith's arms, until finally she quieted. Arizona could tell the baby wasn't asleep, her breathing was still ragged and she had the hiccups, but at least her tears had subsided.

"Go to my office and grab a banana bag, I'll be right there." Meredith nodded and left the gallery.

"Dr. Turner, do you feel comfortable closing?"

The fourth year resident simply stared at her. All of them were staring at her.

"What?" She asked, her tone curt.

"I just, didn't know you sang."

She laughed, she didn't sing. She was a terrible singer. But for some reason Ellis was a fan.

"Come now, Dr. Turner, I already offered you the chance to close, there's no need to lie." At that the room let out a small chuckle.

"Yes, Dr. Robbins, I can close." The young man said.

"Excellent. I'll be in my office with Dr. Grey, please come find me after post-op."

"Yes, Dr. Robbins."

Arizona nodded, and left the O.R. scrubbing out quickly and making her way to her office. She stopped and grabbed a couple things on her way, unsure as to what exactly was wrong with Ellis and wanting to be prepared.

Arms loaded with supplies, she entered her office to find Ellis crying again as Meredith rocked and tried to soothe her. She put down her supplies as the baby reached for her, instantly taking the warm baby in her arms.

She lowered herself carefully onto the couch and sang _Somewhere Over The Rainbow_ again, watching as Meredith prepped the IV. Ellis flinched a bit, but was slowly falling asleep as both of them worked to soothe the upset child.

"Attach a board please, we're going to rest, and she's a bit of rough sleeper." Arizona said quietly, and watched as she worked. One night she had been left alone with all four children, Maggie and Alex having both been called in to the hospital. Sofia and Zola had slept in Zola's bed, but Bailey and Ellis had both ended up in her bed, and she had awoken with Bailey tucked into her side and Ellis sprawled haphazardly across her.

Ellis had finally fallen asleep, cuddled into Arizona's chest. The warmth of the baby concerned her, but not overly so.

"Did you give her baby Tylenol, for the fever?" She asked, looking over to Meredith who was watching them.

"Yeah, about three hours ago. But it didn't seem to help."

"Bailey and Zola?"

"Maggie and Alex are still at home with them, they're still sleeping though."

"What did Alex say?"

"He said, 'Get Robbins to sing, it's the only thing that worked when Ellis was like this,'" Arizona wrapped the baby tighter in her arms, and lightly kissed the sleeping child's forehead.

They sat in silence for a few more moments, both happy that Ellis was finally asleep and resting.

"Arizona, I-"

But Arizona didn't want to hear anything at the moment. "I don't have surgery until this afternoon, and if anything emergent comes in I can have the fellow handle it. You go home to your other kids and we'll stay here. I'd like to monitor Ellis for a bit, but for now we'll stay here and rest."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Meredith, we'll be just fine. I'll give her some more Tylenol in a little bit if she wakes up."

Meredith nodded, and stood to leave.

When she was gone, Arizona retrieved the blanket she had grabbed and resettled on the couch, careful not to jostle Ellis too much. It was a bit of a struggle to remove her prosthesis and not wake the baby, but she had managed it.

Dr. Turner had come and shown her the post-op scans and labs, and told her that he would do night rounds so she could rest with Ellis. And this is why she would always help with the kids, no matter her personal feelings about Meredith. When the younger woman had said in court that it took a village, this is what that meant. Dr. Turner supported her when she was supporting Meredith, and they supported each other.

The rumour mill still said bad things about her, but she would get over that. Meredith needed her help, not just as a pediatrician but as a friend and trusted caregiver for Ellis, so she would do whatever she could for the child.

888*

Unsure how long she had been asleep with Ellis, she was awakened by Meredith's soft knock at the door. Ellis was still asleep on her chest, the baby having only awakened once when Arizona gave her another dose of Tylenol, changed her diaper, and had a nurse start another bag of fluids. She had also put a new pair of pyjamas on Ellis, the one that she had been wearing a bit soaked with sweat. Her fever had come down quite a bit, and Arizona wanted her to be comfortable.

"Hey," Meredith said quietly sticking her head into the room.

"Hey," she replied, not moving from her spot lounging on the couch.

"How is she?" Meredith asked, a hand rubbing softly along the child's back.

"She's good. Fever is down. What time is it?"

"8."

"Bailey and Zola?"

"In daycare. Want me to take her?" Meredith asked, sitting beside Arizona's hip on the couch. This is the closest they had been to each other since the trial.

"Don't you have surgery?" Arizona asked.

"Not until 10, but she can't go to daycare so I was going to find someone to take her until the sitter can get here at noon."

"I can keep her. I'm not due in surgery until 3, and Turner agreed to stay on peds and Johnson is in OB checking my maternal-fetal patients, none of whom are in any danger. Tell the sitter to come here to get her."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. I've missed spending a lot of time with them, and with Sofia gone it's nice to feel like a mom again." It's true, this is the most peaceful she'd felt since Sofia and Callie left. She had never envisioned a life where she had wanted children, but from the moment she heard Sofia's heartbeat she was a mom. It was a yearning that she didn't know she had wanted.

She missed Sofia so much sometimes she wanted to cry. Had cried in fact, in Andrew's arms twice. Having taken care of, and just held Ellis, for the last five hours had been a balm to her wounded soul.

"Arizona, thank you. Really, I know-" Meredith began, but Arizona still harboured some anger. Not just at Meredith, but at Owen and Miranda too.

"You don't have to thank me Meredith," she interrupted, "we're a village, remember?"

And they were, and Arizona would always be a member of Meredith's village. Because it wasn't really Meredith that Arizona was angry at. It was everything. The situation, the way it played out, Callie and Penny, even Alex, but mostly at herself. She knew that this was mostly entirely her fault.

"You didn't ask, Arizona."

"Hmm? What?" She asked, confused.

"Do you remember the plane crash day? Not ours, but the other one?"

Of course she did. All someone had to say was "plane crash" and she was struck by terror. PTSD her therapist had said, and she ran to the nearest supply closet. When Meredith had walked in and sat beside her, she was soothed and comforted, knowing that she wasn't alone.

"I looked for you for thirty minutes. I needed you in that moment, all I could say when someone asked me what was wrong was that I needed Robbins."

Arizona could only stare. She had needed Meredith too. She found the sight of Meredith comforting around the hospital, knowing that she wasn't alone. It was just the two of them left now, in these halls. Lexie and Mark's names were on the walls and on her coat and always in her mind, and Derek was gone, and Cristina was in Switzerland. It was just the two of them. Sometimes she would be comforted simply by seeing Meredith's name on the OR board.

"You're my friend too Arizona, but you didn't ask me to help you, Callie did."

She was right. And suddenly Arizona's anger dissipated. The only thing left in its wake was sadness.

"I didn't ask anyone. Well except for Alex, but he said no."

"You didn't ask DeLuca or Richard?"

She shook her head, "No, Andrew volunteered to help because I had gone home to him crying a couple of times. Richard found me in my car crying and said he would help. I realized that I couldn't ask anyone because I didn't want people to have to pick sides." Plus, as had happened with Alex, Callie had beat her to it.

"It was a terrible situation, Meredith. No one was coming out of that without being hurt. I won, and I got hurt."

"Why did you do it? I mean why did you send Callie to New York, and why did you send Sofia with her?"

"Because Callie was sad. So was Sofia. All the things her lawyer said about me, all the things Callie said about me… I just. I want them to be happy. Both of them."

Meredith just looked at her for a minute. "You're a good mom, Arizona. I didn't bring her to you today because you're a good doctor, I brought her to you because you're a good mom."

"I'm a great doctor." She said with a smile. "But Callie doesn't think I'm a good mom."

"Yes she does."

"No, Meredith, she doesn't. It's happened twice now, where Callie has said that I'm not really her mom because I didn't want her, or kids, in the first place. She's accused me of feeling trapped with Sofia. She doesn't think that I'm a good mom." And Arizona hated that. Intellectually she knew she was a good mom, but that didn't stop Callie's repeated accusations from hurting her.

"Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you, but for what it's worth Arizona, I know you're a good mom. I trust you with my kids."

Arizona felt the tears well in her eyes. She couldn't articulate what that meant for her to hear.

"But, now that I know you miss them, it's time you start babysitting them."

Arizona could only nod as the tears fell from her eyes.

A few hours later, Ellis having been sent home with the sitter in happier spirits if a little subdued by her lingering illness, Arizona was having a late lunch by herself in the cafeteria when her phone chimed. Checking it quickly she saw that she had a message from Callie.

 _What's wrong with Ellis? -C_

 _Nothing much, she had a bit of a fever, but after a couple banana bags and some Tylenol and a sweaty nap on my chest, she's feeling better. -A_

 _How did you know? -A_

 _Meredith sent me a pic of the two of you sleeping on your couch. -C_

 _Oh, she must have done that before she woke me. -A_

 _No, she said that Turner sent it to her, she thought it was cute. I have to say I agree. -C_

 _Well I did wake up with an Ellis shaped sweat stain, but at least she's cute. -A_

Arizona forwarded the picture she snapped of her scrubs to Callie.

 _Can you send me the picture Mer sent you, please? -A_

A minute went by before the picture arrived, and she smiled as she opened it. Her prosthetic was lying on the floor haphazardly, and the pink OB blanket she had used was draped across the two of them. She could tell that both of them were out cold, mouths open in slumber. One of Ellis' hands was twined around her hair, the other gripped her collar as tight as it could with the IV board taped to it. Callie was right, it was a cute picture.

A second picture of Sofia came through, and she smiled at the grin her baby was showing.

 _Sofia wanted you to see her smile and to let you know she misses Baby Ellis. -C_

 _Tell her I miss her too! -A_

 _I will! That was always my favourite scene to come home to, you and Sofia snuggled together sleeping, both snoring softly. -C_

 _Callie, don't. Just, please, don't. -A_

 _What? Don't what? -C_

Arizona sighed, sadness filling her heart. She knew what Callie thought of her and her skills as a parent. She didn't need anymore fake assurances from her ex-wife. She knew she was a good mother, knew that Sofia loved her, that Ellis and Bailey and Zola loved her. Meredith had assured her that she also thought that Arizona was a good mom. But all the times Callie had implied otherwise left a hollow feeling in her chest.

 _Arizona, what? -C_

She didn't want to respond. Didn't want to fight with Callie anymore. She'd never wanted to fight with her, but it seemed that was all they did. They were good together as a couple, as lovers, and they were good mothers, but they seemed to be best at fighting. Though it had been two years since their divorce, and she had slept with a couple of other women, a fact that was thrown in her face in court, she still loved Callie. She wasn't in love with her anymore, but a part of her would always love Callie. Her ex-wife had taught her a lot about love and caring for herself and had given her the greatest thing she never thought she wanted, her daughter. She meant what she said when she wanted Callie to be happy and she knew she was no longer the person, or source of that happiness. Callie was the source of her greatest joy in life, as well as her greatest regret.

Suddenly her phone was ringing, Callie's name flashing across the screen. Sighing again, she decided to answer it.

"Hello Callie."

"Arizona, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong Callie. I'm fine." And she was. She missed Sofia, she even missed seeing Callie in person, but she was fine. If a bit sad and unhappy, but she was fine.

"Meredith told me what you said."

"Oh." Dang it Meredith.

"How could you think that? I mean that's ridiculous."

"Is it though, Callie? You said it in therapy, Mark said it a couple times, you let your lawyer throw it in my face. I asked you to never again imply that I wasn't her mother, well I kind of yelled and demanded it, but yet it always comes back up. Always comes back up. Always. I was truly awful to you after the plane crash. Just an awful person and wife, I can even admit that I was an awful mother for a while there, too. But after I took your advice about therapy after cheating on you, I got better. I know I hurt you, and for that I'll always be sorry, but I had thought that you would have forgiven me for not initially wanting kids. I guess not."

"Are you done?"

"No. No, I'm not."

She was, but she couldn't control her tears anymore. She started crying. Hard. It was the same fight over and over.

"I love Sofia. Maybe I didn't want kids, yeah, it was never my dream. And maybe I wasn't super enthusiastic about the circumstances surrounding how I got my daughter, but when we heard her heartbeat for the first time, when I saw the way you and Mark smiled, the way you introduced me as your lesbian lover, all of it, something inside me changed. I'll always be thankful for you Callie, for giving me my child, for awakening that dream within me, for making it come true. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for you constantly implying that I don't truly love Sofia, that I am here out of obligation rather than privilege, that I am a bad mother."

She could hear Callie crying too. This is exactly what she didn't want.

"I'm sorry Callie." And she was. For so many things.

"No Arizona, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let them say those things about you. I shouldn't have said them. I know you're a good mom, everyone knows you're a good mom."

"I don't believe you."

"I know."

They sat in silence for a few more moments, both of them calming down a little. She could read Callie, even over the phone 3,000 miles away.

"We both have a problem of being too proud to say the things we should have been saying to each other all along. I know for me, I didn't say a lot of things because I thought you knew them Arizona. That my actions could say the things I didn't. So I'll say them now. I love the way you love Sofia, I love the way that you dove feet first into being her mother, and you are an excellent mother Arizona. I know you doubted yourself, but I never did. I was insecure about a lot of things, but never about you being a good mother. I said things in anger, and honestly in an effort to hurt you, and I am so so so sorry about that. I can't take back what I said, I wish I could, but I can't."

Arizona could hear the sincerity in Callie's voice, in her words, but she still didn't believe her.

"What can I do to make you believe me Arizona?"

"Truthfully, I don't know Callie." And she didn't. "But I don't want to fight about it anymore."

"Okay."

"Have you found a family lawyer in New York yet?" Arizona asked quietly.

"No? Why do I need one."

"Because I still technically have sole physical custody of Sofia, you have the letter from me saying that we are sharing custody, but that won't be enough for you to do things like take her on a plane or something. I mean, you're kind of breaking the law right now. So find a family attorney and send me their information so I can start the process of getting you joint custody. I don't want you to go to prison."

Arizona meant it. She didn't mention that flying to New York had been a hellish experience, and having joint custody again would allow Callie to have more freedom with Sofia.

Callie laughed, "This is why you're a good mom Arizona, this is one reason. You don't want your daughter's other mother to be a felon."

Arizona laughed too. "Well I just don't want to have to bring her to prison to visit you."

"But you would."

"Of course I would. I'd want to see your prison tats."

"Hmm, who said I'd get prison tats?"

"I've seen 'Orange is the New Black', Callie, I know what happens in prison." She was glad that the conversation had turned light hearted. This was the kind of relationship that had been building before court. This is the kind of relationship she wanted to have with Callie to co-parent Sofia.

"Do you remember when you, me, and Mark got super drunk on wine and almost went and got matching 'Sofia' tattoos after she came home and your parents were there? God, that would have been fun."

"Well not for me Callie, I would have had to go again and I don't like needles."

"Why would you have had to go again?"

"Because we said that we were going to get them on our left ankles, if I still wanted to be matching."

"Oh right! I'd forgotten about that! Man that was a fun night. Would you go again, really?"

"If we had done it, absolutely." Arizona was glad that they could make light of the loss of her limb now. It had been a long road to this point, but she was fine with who she was now. Fine with what her body looked like.

"We should do it Arizona."

"Do what?"

"Tattoos. I'll find a family lawyer and when I bring Sofia to Seattle for Christmas let's get wine-drunk and get Sofia tattoos to celebrate."

"You are literally crazy."

"Maybe, but as you said, we're her mothers."

"Yes we are."

While she was still hesitant to fully believe Callie, the pain from her continued accusations over the years still burnt within her, the way this conversation had gone gave her the first steps to healing. She knew she would have to make an appointment with her therapist to continue this. She had to let it go if she were to believe in herself fully, rather than just knowing it.

"Well, Callie, I have to go. I have surgery soon. We still on for Skype tonight?"

"Yeah, Sofia is super excited to chat with you. It was the first thing she asked about this morning. Before cartoons, even!"

Arizona could hear the levity in Callie's voice, genuine lightness that had disappeared around the middle of the conversation, and she was glad for that as well.

"Okay, bye Callie."

"Bye!"

Slipping her phone into her pocket she threw out what was left of her lunch and made her way to the surgical floor to meet her resident and save some lives, happier now than she had been for the last couple of weeks.


End file.
